My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
