Moan for me like Helen Keller
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
