I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
