is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
