I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
