I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
