i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
