Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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