I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
