Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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