Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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