I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids