he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf