my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(