The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think im in europe. pls send help
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize