After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
