Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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