Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
