I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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