if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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