I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
