She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm too high and old for this...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
