She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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