just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
its liver damage thursday
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
