Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
