My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
