I wish I could teleport
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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