Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
