He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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