Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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