FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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