Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
