my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
