Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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