I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
