he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
