There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
