So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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