I cannot find my penis.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
