my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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