I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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