how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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