Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
