walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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