I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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