yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
