I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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