remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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