We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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