I just cut my nipple shaving
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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