That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
