when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
