you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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