I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
