we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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