I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
