20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
