in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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