What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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