you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
