So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
