my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
