I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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