can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
